Oh damn. Team, the dawn is hours away, and there is no cocaine on the table, it's another sober day. What to do? Pray? Ask for help? Both of those are probably good options. Insanity is such a pain in the ass. I have gotten sober so many times over the years, and I have gotten drunk so many times over the years when I started listening to the argument in my brain between the asshole who says "let's get drunk," and the still small voice that says "hang in there, don't pick up." When I listen to this conversation, the problem is that the still small voice gets quieter and quieter, and the drug addict, alcoholic, mind just gets louder and louder.
Eventually, my brain and body is completely hijacked by this beast, and doing lines, taking bong rips, and drinking vigorously, seems like the only answer. Then it's off to the races. I don't really want this to happen again. I'm not sure if it was the premature trip to rehab at the age of 16, having the 12 steps crammed down my throat along with a thorough washing of my brain, but somewhere after the third relapse and the 2nd or third year of my 3rd return to drinking, I began to hear an enthusiastic voice in my head that said "quit getting fucked up all the time!" It was really quite frustrating.
Anyways, I started trying to get sober again in 2008 after a good 4 year run on wine and herbs and other sundry goods. So here I am again, and where did that divine voice of my using go, that told me to sober up? Now that I'm sober again for a while, I hear this voice that tells me to get fucked up! Insanity, my friends.
It's 1:07 AM now, so I made it another day sober, in 9 days it will have been 7 months since my last inebriation. Time to go to sleep. Fuck it. Put the plug in the jug. The road less traveled. Where will it lead? Like I said, sobriety is the hardest drug I've ever done. Searching for the middle way, walking along a very sharp blade, trying not to fall off either side, or at least not snort any of those tempting powders up my nose.
Why does cable TV have to show such rampant drug use all the time? If it's not booze it's one damn show after another of people addicted to drugs, getting high in jail, getting busted with drugs, getting busted trying to smuggle drugs. Is it supposed to be a deterrent? Is this supposed to make people not want to get high? It doesn't have that affect on me. Watching Anthony Bourdain makes me want to get drunk; and the Discovery Channel should be called the discover drugs channel, they have more cocaine than the Sinaloa cartel. Anyways, there is going to be some new reality show called Weed Wars, I doubt that it's going to help with my cravings. Being a junkie is a real pain in the ass. It distracts a wrangler from his mission to save the world, and that can be frustrating, and that in turn leads to more cravings. It's a vicious cycle. Aloha. Good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment